![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
- Location:United States, Georgia, Athens
- Mood:
bored - Music:Careless Whisper - Seether
I found out today that my father has been having an online affair and wants a divorce. He says he still cares for my mother, but he no longer loves her. Monday was their 24th wedding anniversery. They've been married for 24 years. Twenty-four years of love and happiness and he wants to throw it away for someone he met online.
Damn! Doesn't that sound like the pot calling the kettle black, eh? *sigh*
*double sigh* I may not always like my parents, but they've always been the constant in my life. I've always looked into the future and known they would be together, no doubt about it. But now....now nothing is certain.
My mother was slaughtered on the battlefield of love yesterday when he told her.
I was wounded today.
This whole thing doesn't make any sense.
- Mood: crushed
I feel so alone right now. I feel like I'm back in that crowded room, screaming and crying out for help...and no one even looks up from their own lives to acknowledge I am there.
Am I selfish for just wanting a break from this? Just a few weeks of things going right, with me actually doing something? Everything goes ok minuet by minuet when I just sit here and do nothing. But the moment I try to do something, nothing what-so-ever goes right.
I just want to be out of here, in Seattle already, wanted, needed...loved. I want to feel important. I want to come first, over everything else, not just when it's convenient, but when it's really important.
I want to feel like the little special fucking princess that I know I am.
- Mood: crushed
To say that ex-friends are bitchs and not worth the time of day, is an understatement. Yes, this entire post is going to be angry and rage filled. Yes you can use that form the opinion that I am a very angry person. But I mean every word I am about to write.
Stephanie Wolf deserves what she has coming to her. I hope she rots.
Here is the true story about why we aren't friends.
Two months ago, Stephanie started dating the new "love of her life", Toby. She consumated their new relationship at the gay club in Athens, Blur, on stage, not even 2 feet away from her ex-fiance, after she'd been stringing him along for about three or more months. Abbreviated version of what happened next. There was a fight. They all talked. Ronnie went home upset because he's still in love with Stephanie and she chose Toby over him. Everyone moved on.
About week later of talking, Ronnie asked me if I wanted to be in a relationship with him, as play partners. I told him that I wanted to talk to Stephanie first, to find out how she would feel about it, because I valued her friendship and I didn't want to upset my friend. This was her one chance to be completely honest with me on how she felt about it. She told me that she didn't care, that she was fine with it. Because she was supposed to be honest about it, I accepted this and me and Ronnie were officially in a play relationship.
A few weeks later, Ronnie and I were talking about the Tae Kwon Doe school he goes to on Tuesdays. Stephanie goes to see him every Tuesday. She has to go past my house to go there. I happen to know for a fact that she could have picked me up to take me because she doesn't always stop by on the way home from Athens Tech, sometimes she's leaving from her house to see him. There was no reason why she couldn't pick me up on her way and me and Ronnie thought that this would just be a good way for the three of us to hang out, as friends, as that is exactly what we were, at the time. Ronnie asked her. According to him, she made up all these excuses as to why she couldn't (oh and btw Stephanie, because I know you'll read this, excuses was his word, not mine).
She got online later that evening. And the confrontation began. She started it to. By the end of it, she finally let all the excuses go and admitted that she didn't want to drive me to see her ex-fiance. That she still loved him and just couldn't think of us together. She called him the love of her life. I already knew all this.
She lied to me. She had her chance at Ronnie, she threw it away and then she lied to me when I asked her for her honest feelings about it. She lied to me for the last time.
By the end of the conversation, our friendship was officially over. I said it was, she agreed.
Ever since, this was at least a month ago, she has been spreading lies about why I was/am mad at her. The time has come to set what she's been saying and the truth on the table.
The night of our official End of Friendship, she added this comment to a friend of hers (might be her cousin, I'm unsure) profiles on myspace:
A friend and I had a fight because she wants me to take her to my ex-fiancees house so they can fuck...and I won't just jump up and go "why Yes.. I'd love to".
I'm just saying those things to get to her
(Note to Steph: You didn't get to me with what you said. I couldn't have cared less if you had harmed yourself that night.)
So, we add new things to my anger. 1) Assuming that we wanted her to take me to him so we could fuck. Deffinitly not true. We just wanted to be able to hang out. All three of us. So, fuck you, bitch. 2) That Ronnie would only want to be with me to fuck. 3) completely ignoring the fact that I was fine with her not wanting to take me to see him so we could fuck. And 4) That the real fight was about her lying to me. Again.
I just let it go and moved on. I wanted this over, so I simply ignored it. Until tonight.
Earlier today I got an e-mail from my ex-fiance/ex-boyfriend. He eventually informed me that he had run into Stephanie. This is our corrsepondence, unedited:
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Preston
To: Belle Morte
Date: May 7, 2009 2:54 PM
Subject: RE:
jus woundering so guess ho i seen at athens tech today stephanie lol we had a good nice long conversation
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Belle Morte
To: Preston
Date: May 7, 2009 3:01 PM
Subject: RE:
Good for you. I don't give a fucking shit about that bitch.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Preston
To: Belle Morte
Date: May 7, 2009 3:04 PM
Subject: RE:
i no i heard all a/b yall lol a/b ronnie and everything so wheres her on ur myspace lol
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Belle Morte
To: Preston
Date: May 7, 2009 3:08 PM
Subject: RE:
yeah, i'm sure she told you some bullshit about how the only reason i'm pissed is because she wouldn't take me to see him. and of course. she's wrong again.
If you want to fucking add her on myspace...you have to find her yourself.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Preston
To: Belle Morte
Date: May 7, 2009 5:03 PM
Subject: RE:
man ok i will yea she said u were pissed b/c she wouldnt take u to ronnies so yall could fuck her ex fiancee thats fucked up *name edited out* fa real
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Belle Morte
To: Preston
Date: May 7, 2009 5:50 PM
Subject: RE:
You want to knot what's really fucked up? That's not what I or Ronnie was asking her to do AND that's not why I'm mad at her.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Preston
To: Belle Morte
Date: May 7, 2009 6:03 PM
Subject: RE:
ok then y r u mad at her
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Belle Morte
To: Preston
Date: May 7, 2009 6:10 PM
Subject: RE:
Because she fucking lied to me. I asked her to be 100% honest with me about how she would feel if me and Ronnie were in a relationship and that her answer would affect what I did. She said she didn't care if we got together or not. She lied. She did care. I tried to be her friend first and do the considerate thing. She had moved on to a new boyfriend, one whom she claims to love and she told me that didn't care if me and Ronnie were dating. I gave her a curtosy she never gave me when she started dating Ronnie all those years ago, when I still had feelings for him. I quit being Ronnie's friend all those years ago to distance myself from him so I wouldn't do anything with him or put myself in the situation to do anything with him while they were dating. She told me she didn't care. She lied.
And then she topped it all of by 1) assuming that Ronnie would only want to be with because of sex and 2) assuming that Ronnie and I wanted her to take me to see him to fuck. We only wanted Steph to bring me to see him so we could hang out, like friends do. Like she does every fucking Tuesday with him. We wouldn't have sex while she's there waiting to do go. We aren't like that. We wanted to play, like BDSM play but we still didn't want it to happen while that bitch sulked in a corner because she's sorry that she let what she really wanted go for someone she "loves".
So there you have it. That's the truth of why I'm mad at her. Which she choses to ignore, so don't think I haven't told her this, because I have.
And then I got this from a guy that Stephanie referred to me on www.fetlife.com because I like spankings. He told me she said this:
Some one who says you were best friends until you stole her boyfriend.
O_o Suddenly, I stole her boyfriend. No I didn't. I don't want Toby at all. *shivers* Ew. But Ronnie on the other hand, not her boyfriend. Hasn't been her boyfriend in 3 years.
I do not know what Stephanie plans to gain from continuing to lie about what happened. I do not care. Due to my religion, I will not attack her. But I most certaintly will delight in imaging it. It makes me happy envisioning me kicking her ass, as I undoubtly would.
Note to Stephanie: Lying about someone is harmful. Watch your back. Karma will stab it. And I will laugh.
Note to everyone else: I do not tolerate liars. I will find out and I will call you out on it.
I have done it again. I don't know how I manage to do this.
It's a different person this time, one whom I love dearly and strive to be his slave one day. It was a simple game of truth or dare. That's all. I've always been apprehensive of choosing dare, but I did it anyway, hoping, praying, that whatever he would come up with would be something I could handle. The first time, it was. I have to write a poem. Ok, I can do a poem. I make the mistake of choosing another dare when it's my turn again. It's something so simple I'm too embarrased to tell you all what it was. I couldn't do it. I don't know why. No one else was there watching. No one was recording it. It was just the two of us. And I couldn't do it.
As would happen with DoktorSpankenstein, who would make a threat of hanging up on me right then and there if I didn't obey, he made the threat of signing off IM and just cutting our conversation short if I didn't obey. For the first time in my life, I stood my ground, dug in my heels and didn't eventually obey. And I don't know why not. I don't understand why I didn't just do it. It doesn't make any sense to me that I wouldn't just do it.
I want to be good, I want to be pleasing, I want to be what he deserves me to be.
This is only the second time I have ever disobeyed him. I still feel like I was justified the first time and he understands that. But, there is no excuse for this one. I've hurt him by not doing this one, for not being able to do this one and that hurts me.
I still don't understand why it must always be a battle with myself to just obey simple commands/requests.
- Mood:
confused
Blur is the local gay bar/dance club. Last night was my second night there. This time we got there before the drag show (my first drag show too...lol). Trust me, I am so glad I was there for that. One of the entertainers....was....HOT!. That's all I'm going to say about that. :D
But, I went with my friend Stephanie and one of our friends went with us. Ok, so I'm bi, Steph's bi....Name Removed is.......straight, and we went to the gay club. Just begs for trouble doesn't it? *sigh* Well, I guess it was...for them. But I don't want to talk about their drama. For once, I wasn't a part of it and I thank the Goddess greatly for that small miracle.
After the drag show, Stephanie got me up on the stage to dance. Long story short, I ended up dancing on my own. Which was ok. Until I was joined by this random guy. I'm going to call him Desperado, we never spoke and I'll probably never get his name...which is fine by me.
At first I was grateful for Desperado joining me, so I wouldn't be dancing on stage, in front of an entire club full of people, alone. Until he started to dance behind me and I felt his cock, hard and erect, against my ass. Desperado, then did a steady rythem of dancing behind me and to my complete dismay....humping me. I fucking kid you not, he humped me!!!!
That's not all. I swear to you, I have never had someones tongue and mouth on so many places on my body at one time, WHILE I STILL CLOTHED!!!! I was wearing a tank top and my left shoulder blade and my shoulder got a freaking tongue bath....as did the inside of my ear, my lower back and I'm serious here.....my ass crack!!! Can you believe that shit?!?!?!!? He even had the audacity to take his cock out of his pants and rub it on my lower back! *shocked face*
The REALLY bad thing about it....I was so bored because my friends were off having their drama that I considered Desperado's bizzareness as completely laughable entertainment. Deffinitly bizzare and if I was someone else I'm sure I'd be completely offended and would have smacked him or something...but I was too busy dancing, being entertained and laughing my ass off (for two hours) to do anything else.
But, ummm...yes, that was my second experience with Athens gay club, Blur.
WOO HOO!!!
*blank stare*
P.S.
Oh! And Name Removed...turns out he's bi. He made out with a gay guy, Kenneth. Sooooo totally hot. I could have sold pictures of the two of them dancing together and making out for $20 a pop...not to mention of I was selling them in poster size! *purrs* Pure wet dream material, I promise you.
- Location:Kusheth
- Mood:
shocked
Back in Novemeber of '08 I started dating this guy, Blake, that I used to go to High School with. He graduated two years before me and the two years between his graduation he had been in the army, living in Dallas, Texas, then in Oklahoma with his wife/ex-wife and then he was stationed in Yakima (sp?), Washington. His wife/ex-wife, Bree, of course, moved with him.
They ended up splitting up. After they had been separated for a while, she announced that she was pregnant. She gave birth to two of the cutest twins. Blake's got three kids now. The twins and his son Landon from when he was 16. He never gets to see Landon, it's a little complicated. But, after he left Bree and they filed for divorce, he started dating this other girl, Kathleen. They were together for almost a year (yes, that means his entire relationship with his wife, from dating to marriage to separating wasn't that long) before he just packed up and moved back home, to Georgia. He was here for maybe a month before I found out he was home.
He was there on Halloween night. That was the first time I'd seen him in two years. I was still attracted to him. He's just one of those guys that you know it would be dangerous for you, emotionally, to get involved, but you still can't help it. I, obviously, couldn't help it.
I've been desperate to move out of my parents house and when he offered for me to move in with him, to share rent, I jumped on it. It was sometime after I agreed that we started getting closer. I never did move in with him. He lost the house he was renting, he couldn't afford the rent with the job he had and his other roommate from Washington just up and abandoning him. But we were hanging out a lot by then. He would come over to the house and we go horseback riding. There are some pictures floating around the internet of us sleeping on the couch together after one such ride. It was later that night that he asked me out. I accepted. I didn't want anything serious. I just wanted to have a little fun, a casual relationship.
I fell in love with him. It wasn't until a few days before my birthday (December 28th) that I realized that I did love him. I couldn't help it. I can still admit that, even after everything that has happened, he still treated me better than any other guy that I've ever been with, with one exception, but we're not going down that road.....though maybe we should...no, not right now. For most of our relationship, I spent every weekend at his new place. Every night, I went to sleep wrapped in his arms and I never felt so special as I did in those moments, or when we'd cuddle on the couch to watch a movie and he'd stroke my hair or just hold my hand. Or, one time, he stayed with me for two weeks straight, at my house, and going to bed wrapped in his arms and waking up next to him, legs and arms intertwined, blankets almost on the floor, day after day, night after night....will always be memories I will cherish. Soft kisses, the way he used to look at me, the way he used to rake his nails up and down my spine, depending on what he wanted to accomplish, the way he knew just how hard or how light to do it, the way he said he loved me....these are the things I'm trying so hard to not think about day after day, the things that haunt my dreams.
When I looked into the future, I saw it with him. I saw us, together, one day married, maybe, secretly, hopefully, with kids. These are the things that I didn't think I wanted anymore. After my last serious relationship a few years ago, I'd given up on that lame dream. I felt it was a childish and useless dream, the whole house with a white picket fence, 2.5 kids and dog. If it wasn't for Blake, I never would have realized that I do still want that. I do still want to get married one day. I do still want kids.
All of this was shattered again about a month ago. He left me with less than a 24 hour notice. He IMed me and told me he was moving to Texas to be with closer to his kids. He couldn't even come by the house to give me a proper goodbye. He just left the next day. Less than a week ago I found out he'd actually gone back to his wife. The divorce was never finalized and there will probably never be a paternity test. After losing Landon (no, he's still alive, he just can't go see him) he really wants Bree's kids to be his. He left me to go back to her and to raise kids that might not be his.
He made me believe he loved me and that he wanted to be with me in the same way that I wanted to be with him. I thought he was in it for the long haul. And he wasn't. And it hurts worse than I ever imagined.
I'm trying to figured out how to move on....I'm just not sure how. Some times I think I'll be alright, but there are other days, other times, like now, that just make me wonder, why should even bother. I will never understand why people have to lie to and betray others. I will never understand why we can't all be truthful and honest to each other. I just can't understand why anyone would ever have to feel the way I feel right now.
- Location:Kusheth
- Mood:
cynical - Music:I Told You So by Carrie Underwood
For the first time ever, I understand why people do drugs to escape. To escape the pain of living. To escape their lives.
I want an escape. I need an escape. I need a rewind button to unwind this mistake. It's the worst thing I think I have ever done to someone I deeply love, not to mention another human being.
How do you choose one love over another? Should you choose one love over another? What happens when you do and you realize you may have made the biggest mistake of your life? What happens when you know you've just made a huge mistake and you know it can't be made right again?
You need to escape.
I need to escape. I need to escape. I need to escape.
- Location:my own personal Tartarus
- Mood:
blank
1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band - sang in a pound
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang A Solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept in an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse – lunar and solar
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo's David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen a geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone hand gliding
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someones life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the great salt lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day
- Location:Kusheth
- Mood: bored
NINA
Themes: Health; Cooperation; Dreams; Magick; Meditation.
Symbols: Lions; Fish; Serpent (her sacred animals)
About Nina: A very ancient Mother Goddess figure in Mesopotamia, Nina has many powers, including healing, herb magick, meditation, dream interpretation, and helping civilization along when needed. Today we will be focusing on her healthful attributes and knowledge of herbs to improve well-being for the winter months.
To Do Today: Pan-American Health Day focuses on worldwide cooperation in the public heath field. On the home front, do everything possible to make your home and body healthy and strong. Beginning in your living space, wash the floors using sage water, and burn a sage smudge stick. This herb decreases germ infestation and is magickally aligned with Nina's energy. As you go through your home, carry a small bell and add this incantation:
Nina, come and make us well;
banish sickness with the ringing of this bell.
Ring the bell in each room at the end of the incantation. In many religious traditions, bells are considered to scare away the evil influences that cause sickness.
To overcome a troublesome malady, put a picture of one of Nina's sacred animals under your pillow to invoke a healing dream. This tradition is very old and sometimes results in healthful energy being conveyed through your dream, or in a dream that shows you what to do for a cure.
- Location:Kusheth
- Mood: annoyed
Mina Koya
Themes: eather; health; Ghosts; Blessing
Symbol: Salt
About Mina Koya: The salt goddess of the Pueblo Indians, Mina Koya is often venerated during autumn festivals for her power to cleanse, protect, and preserve things, including our homes and traditions. Her healing power becomes all the more important as winter’s chilly hold gets stronger.
To Do Today: New Mexican festival, Shalako is an all-night ritual of dancing and chanting to bless homes, commemorate the dead, bring good weather, and improve health for all participants. One tradition that honors Mina Koya and draws her well-being into the sacred space of home is that of noise making. Take a flat-bottomed pan and sprinkle salt on it. Bang this once in every room of the house (so some of the salt shakes off). This banishes negativity and evil, replacing it with Mina Koya’s blessing. To improve the effect, chant and dance afterward, sweeping up the salt and keeping it for the weather charm that follows. Or, flush the salt down the toilet to flush out any maladies.
If it’s been wet or snowy and you need a reprieve, bind a little salt in a white cloth and bury it. The weather should change temporarily soon thereafter. This bundle will also protect your home and its residents from damage by harsh weather for as long as it stays in the ground nearby.
- Location:Kusheth
- Mood: blah
Arianrhod
Themes: Arts; Magick; Manifestation; RebirthSymbols: A Silver Wheel (spinning tools: shuttle, yarn)
About Arianhod: In Welsh tradition, this is the goddess of the "silver wheel" upon which magick is braided and bound together in a tapestry of manifestation. Stories tell us that Arianhod abides in a star where souls wait for rebirth (the wheel here becomes the wheel of life, death, and rebirth).
To Do Today: Known as Catherine of the Wheel, this saint oversees spinsters (literally and figuratively) . Like Arianhod, she is a patroness for lace makers and seamstresses. In keeping with this theme, today is an excellent time to try your hand at making a special pouch for housing some of your magickal tools or trinkets. Begin with two rectangles of natural-fiber cloth one inch larger that the item you wish to house within. Put the right sides together and stitch three edges, leaving a three-quarters of an inch opening at the top for a drawstring to finished edge. Turn the pouch right side out. Repeat the goddess's name to bind Arianhod's power ineach stitch. Fold over the top hem twice so it won't unravel, and stitch that with silver thread for the goddess's protection.
If time doesn't allow for this, a favored beverage to inspire this goddess's blessings is ale or cider with an apple slice or caraway bread and tea. Pour a little of this out as a libation, then drink it fully to awaken and energize Arianhod's magickal potential within you.
- Location:Kusheth
That's how I feel. There are few things that I feel I did right this year but more than that, I sit here today and see everything I did wrong. It makes my heart hurt to sit here and think of all of those mistakes and it brings tears to my eyes knowing that I can't change what has been done. That I had everything I wanted in the palm of my hand but I failed to see it for what it was or more often than not, I was too impatient to wait it out.
- Location:Kusheth
- Mood: depressed
Well I do. I don't know if I can keep going like this. I feel like I'm spread too thin, that my emotions are spread too thin. I don't want to feel like this. I don't know how to love three people, long distance, and keep us all happy. But then again, is that necessarily my job? I don't know. All I know is I have this strong desire to make everyone happy. I want the people I love to be happy, but I have to be happy too and I dont know how to do that when faced with the knowledge that he loves someone else.
*crying* I just want to be loved and I want them all happy, but I don't know how to deal when the way for them to be happy isn't me.
- Location:my broken heart
- Mood: crushed
I am officially ashamed of this country.
Thank you, that is all.
*goes off in search of her shotgun*
- Location:Hell
- Mood: shocked
But then, there are the times that I know I am in love with someone and am afraid to tell them. Ever have that happen? You know you love someone but are afraid to tell them, in case they don't feel the same?
And I don't mean loving someone, I really do mean, being in love. Loving someone and being in love are two different things. I know who I love and I know who I am in love with. I know that I love the people I love and I also know that I would love them even if I weren't "in love" with them.
Am I making any sense? I'm trying to talk about how I feel about certain people, without revealing names.
I feel that I am in love with someone, but I'm afraid to tell them how I feel. I mean, rejection is a big fear for me. I don't want to tell him that I am in love with him and then have him tell me that he likes me but that he doesn't love me back.
So, how long is long enough before telling someone that you are in love with them, or that you think you are falling in love with them?
I just....I don't know if I can tell him that not only do I love him, and I do, but that I think I am in love with him.
- Location:Kusheth
- Mood:
anxious
Just thought I would come in and add this one little bit.
In 2-3 weeks, I am moving out of my parents house and into my friend Blake's house. I'll be living with Blake and a mutual friend Sam out near Watson's Mill. I'm excited about this move, finally being away from my parents, but I'm also afraid. Afraid of the change.
But, that's what I came back to say. Lol.
I know, same old same old shit. Very long story short, I wore nothing but paper today. Oh! Wait, not true. I also wore my socks. I got my HIV test done. Did you know that they don't have to draw blood anymore to determine HIV, that they can test your saliva for the HIV antibodies? I didn't either. Pretty cool though. Then came the breast exam. Always weird to have some cute little chick have her fingers all over your breasts and still manage to be calm and professional about it, even when your breathing increases.
And then the pelvic and pap smear exams. Suffice it to say, I don't remember my first pap smear hurting this bad. The pressure really sucked. Oh, and apparently my cervix is tilted which added to the tension when she locked the speculum to do the swabs. Now, I don't know what this woman did, but I cried when she did one of the swabs. Hurt so bad. And not in the good way, at all. She did one more swab than necessary. She said she wanted to look at it under the micro. Turns out I have a very very very mild yeast infection. One pill, that she gave me, is supposed to clear it all up. I don't know if it will or not, as I didn't notice any symptoms to begin with. *sigh*
Oh, what joy the pelvic exam was. Similar to the breast exam actually. It's been so long since I've had fingers other than my own in my cunt that it was deff. an experience to have hers, gloved or not, in my cunt. But oh well. I was then able to clean off the lube (anyone know what they use? it was an unmarked bottle and I'm curious) and get re-dressed.
We talked about some other things. I decided to go ahead and get a Hepatitis B shot. Now, for me, who adores the special subspace that needles send me to, this was a very trying experience. I cried. I flipped out. I hate shots. I just hate them. She gave it to me in my left arm and it was over rather quickly and we laughed earlier, especially as I had already told her the story of how I got my nipples pierced and that I wasn't afraid to get them done. But, I don't know why, but shots are different. Sucked. Ass.
I then made up my mind to go ahead and get birth control. I mean, really, what can it hurt? They gave me a three-month supply. I'm not actually looking forward to it. But, *sigh* I guess I've put it off long enough.
I wont actually get my results back for 1-3 weeks (1 for the chlamydia test and 3 for the HIV). So, now all I have to do is wait. I hate this waiting, not knowing if I have to kill Stephanie or not.
- Location:Kusheth
- Mood: cranky
Halloween was Friday. For the past 5-6 years, mom hasn't let me out for Halloween. No parties. No trick-or-treating. Just sitting at home with her and Sleepy Hallow and Bram Stoker's Dracula. Well, I'm 18 now. She could have said that I couldn't go out, but I still would have.
I was more than excited about Halloween this year. My best friend lives in an apartment complex so I was more than excited by then. We could go trick-or-treating AND hand out candy!!! Too f***ing cool!!! We also made plans to go to this club, Level 131 on Broad Street in Downtown Athens, for the clubs Heaven or Hell Halloween 2008 Party! Level 131 is a dance club and I LOVE to dance. Well, me and Jordan decided we wanted to get new costumes for the club. So we (me, Jordan and our friend Alexandra) went to get costumes. By this time we're bouncing off the walls. So, it takes forever for us to get back to the apartment. It's too late to go trick-or-treating now. Disappointing, but I'm still pumping to go to the club. I should have known the night was doomed from the start, starting when we got to the costume store and they didn't have the costume I wanted.
We got into the club, saw a ton of friends from school. And then we somehow ended up spending the evening on a couch up against the back wall. Me and Alexandra kept waiting for some of our guy friends to show up so we had some guys with us on the dance floor. Jordan, spent the night with her f***ing cell phone glued to her gods d***ed hands. She let her fiance, whom she has never met and lives in Maine, ruin her night. And her negative energy spilled over to us. And then, the one little bit of drama for the night happened.
We had just gotten off the phone with Blake, who was too drunk to even find Level, when the first fight broke out. All of a sudden, there is this mob of black guys and mexican guys trying to kill each other about 10 feet away from out wall. Panic sets in. We're already too close to the wall to back up, so we quickly shuffled around them. We thought we were far enough away. We were wrong. We had to move again. This time Alexandra and I weren't quick enough. We were trapped in a corner. We were so close I'm surprised we didn't get hit. No, we were lucky we didn't get hurt.
I have no clue where the f***ing bouncers were, but eventually the different groups pulled themselves apart. And what do you know? It was a gang fight. I'm not even going to name them here. Not worth it and I don't want that kind of attention.
But anyways. It looks like everything is calmed down, all the bouncers are in that room and we go back to our couch. We aren't even there a min. before another fight breaks out and we're up and all the way across the room, out of the way and away from corners before we get trapped again. Fight lasts less than 2 min. before the bouncers break it up. We're back to our couch. And out guys show up! But what do they do? Zero in on Jordan, the tall, skinny chick with big tits. And what happens because of that? They pick up on Jordan's mood and now we're all sitting there frustrated.
Me and Alexandra take the initiative and drag Jordan and the boys to the dance floor. Now, this is what I will not understand, ever. Jordan kills our mood by just standing there. The boys just left, went back to the couch and Jordan just stood there. Well, it's no fun to dance with someone who wont dance, so we all left and was miserable on the couch again. And that was it until 3 AM when Jordan had enough and declared that we were leaving.
And get this. We're out the door and almost on the street when these idiot guys start a street fight. In the middle of Broad Street, completly surrounded by cops. The stupidity that was ruling the streets Halloween night was unbelievable. I mean, Halloween should not be the time for everyone to leave what little brains they have.
Walking down the street to the Holiday Inn Express (yes, I know, we weren't supposed to park there), I slip and fall when crossing the street. For some reason, I've been having a really hard time walking in my boots. Actually, I've been having a really hard time walking in my boots on top of road paint. Something about it makes my boots slip. And that is how the death of my favorite boots happen. The murder: road paint. Casualties: my heart. I actually cried over my boots. They are ruined. The sole has been ripped off the bottom of the left boot and the right has the same thing happening. And the leather is majorly scuffed, to the point were I don't even think I can call it scuffed, just ripped off, at the toe of the left boot. I seriously mourn my boots.
The best part of the night was The Circle Jordan and I cast. I've neglected my rituals, daily offerings and worship for far too long. It was great to be able to do it again. I'm not going to share many details of that part of the night. We wore cloaks and jeans, nothing else. Suffice it to say, we were freezing and greatful to get dressed again when we finished. lol.
The rest of the weekend went ok. Saturday we went to see Saw V, again. But this time we took Gay Man (my ex-boyfriend, Zacky-Poo..lol) with us. It's always a blast to go see a gory, bloody movie with Gay Man/Zacky-Poo. It's just so cute to me to see a gay guy cower in fear and plaster himself to me to bury his face in my hair so he doesnt have to watch. But then, we went too far. After the movie, we went to the Athens Fair. It was the lamest fair I have ever been to in my entire life. And yet, Zacky-Poo got sick. I am so glad that he didn't get sick on me. I would have felt bad for him as I killed him. But he got sick. Jordan was desperate to go on the "Ferris Wheel". Ok, this was no ordinary Ferris Wheel. It was one of those ones where if you dont control the wheel, you end up flipping upside down and going around and around upside down. Well, I'm afraid of heights. I can fly commercial and am fine. I can be on the balcony of a top floor hotel room, sitting on the railing, not holding on and be perfectly fine. But appearently, Feris Wheels, the swings that go up about 300 feet in the air, ladders, ect freak me the fuck out! And what do I do? I ride the Feris Wheel in Zacky-Poo's place. We went up and I was crying before we got half way up. Jordan laughed at me. We went around 3 times before she called to the guy to stop the ride. But she crawled out of the seat laughing at me. I wanted to strangle her.
We left very soon after that. Took Zacky-Poo home. We then went to WalMart and Chick-fil-A. Went home. Jordan went to bed in 10 min. and I watched movies and played on the internet until about 12:30. Went to bed and was jerked awake when Stephan, jordan's dad, teasingly tried to steal my teddy bear from my arms and hide it. Evil man that he is. I spoiled his plan though. I woke up and was awake until he left. Dead to the world again in 5 min.
Nothing else eventful. I packed all my crap up. Jordan drove me home.
That was my Halloween weekend. I came home on Sunday and decided that if I had known that that is what my Halloween weekend would have been like, I would have just stayed home.
- Location:Kusheth
- Mood: cranky
With Halloween on the horizon, burning questions about the undead need to be answered: Can being a zombie be considered suffering? Submitted By |
Long answer: soon to come. I just wanted to have this saved to come back to when I have time.
- Mood:
sleepy
